The Truth Behind Before and Afters

12 May

        I am the girl on the billboard, the amazing transformation you see on the cover of People magazine, the before and after ad for the new diet pill with an asterisk next to my name, the small print reading: “*Results not typical.” It’s pictures like mine that had a high school […]

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Wish You Weren’t Here:A Postcard for Eric Owens of The Daily Caller

19 Mar

  Dear Eric Owens of The Daily Caller- Not once have I regretted my decision to terminate my pregnancy when I knew I was not ready physically or emotionally to parent a child. That doesn’t mean that it is a memory that I look back on with fondness or have immortalized in some scrapbook on […]

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Self Reflection a Bit Too Little, Too Late

16 Mar

When you first found out you were moving to Texas and started to lose yourself to thoughts of days without Stumptown Espresso and highways with names AND numbers just to confuse you and radio stations that played nothing but Toby Keith for hours on end the only thing that brought you any joy at all […]

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The Problem with Lammily

7 Mar

Dear Nickolay Lamm-I love the concept behind Lammily, I really do. I appreciate that you have created a doll with a body that has a neck proportional enough to hold her head upright without snapping and a waist big enough to hold pesky little things like a liver and a full intestinal tract inside of it. Barbie […]

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Complimentary In Flight Fetish Films

1 Feb

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me Right This Very Second- You have no idea how relieved I was on a plane full of orange and blue to be seated next to a fellow Seahawks fan, even if you did happen to turn out be the kind of guy who wears a Bluetooth like some sort […]

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A Winters Bone to Pick (bad pun is bad)

14 Jan

Dear Jennifer Lawrence- I think you’re swell. I really do. Your performance in Winters Bone was worth every piece of buzz it received, your albeit terribly miscast Katniss was just as strong and powerful as I needed her to be, and between your genius publicist and your impish 20 something impulses you have created the […]

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Happy Republican New Year!

11 Jan

Dear Denton County Republicans- I wanted to take some time out of my busy work day–you know the one where I still earn 77 cents for every dollar my male counterparts take home all due to the hard work of our current governor–to thank you for your amazingly on point and hard hitting profiles of […]

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Does My Fat Ass Make My Ass Look Fat?

8 Jan

A letter to the five (yes FIVE)  people who have emailed me regarding my most recent Facebook photo, and to anyone else who might be tempted to help me out in the future: I promise you at some point you will get the chance to discreetly tell me I have a massive stray booger in […]

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Reindeer Games

23 Dec

Dear Lady with the Hideous Reindeer Sweater- I am sorry that it made you so angry when I “cut in line” in front of you to go to the bathroom this morning at Starbucks. But it didn’t make any sense for me to continue to wait yet another ten minutes behind you while that mother […]

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The Spirit of Giving

12 Dec

So this morning I woke up to a particularly righteously indignant status update on my newsfeed from someone I used to work with complaining about the homeless shelter she called that had the audacity to turn her down from coming and serving dinner on Christmas Eve with her family. She then went on to talk […]

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